I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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