I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
