shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
