Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
