I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize