This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize