who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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