Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
