I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
