the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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