at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize