I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
