She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
