i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
