We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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