Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize