I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
soo... how was my night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
