Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
