I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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