I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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