yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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