guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
