And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
