Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
