the condom got lost in my hair
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
