She announced her abortion via fbk
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
