Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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