I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
