Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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