Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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