just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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