You're my little dorito
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
