Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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