I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
