Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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