So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
