margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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