i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
