i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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