I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
