She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
