Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
