Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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