I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Houston, we have a blender
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
