my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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