rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
