Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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