I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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