I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Let's get the cat blown out
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
