Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize