I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize