I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
