just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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