I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
