Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
