so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
