did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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