God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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