You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
