i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
